These words of Samuel Beckett have echoed through my head the past six months–the darkest time of my life. My whole life I have been a naturally happy, hyper person, but one wrong step, and I fell into an eternal spiral of doom. Now, in a time where I feel unsettled in my own skin, I am desperately searching for security and comfort to relieve my anxiety and set my demons free. But, I am realizing that life is never secure, once you reach adulthood. Anytime I think an external thing can make me feel better, or anytime I am starting to get nervous or anxious, I am entering into an illusion. This is an illusion of who I see myself as, but not who I really am. If I let go of this illusion that I cling so hard to, that I am digging my nails in deeper than ever, I can become teachable. I will become the person I am meant to be.
“Each of us is more than the worst thing we’ve ever done.”Bryan Stevenson
I do not want to shield myself from pain to protect my ego and emotions, but I want to understand the pain and fear inside, so I may continue to grow from it and move onward. Inspired by Russell Brand’s podcasts on mental health, here are some words of wisdom and serenity:
- I do not hate my essence.
- I will acknowledge self-hatred as a signal for change.
- I will forgive myself, rather than hold on to the illusion of who I thought I was.
- There is as much behind me as there is in front of me.
“Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.”Robin Williams (R.I.P.)
I want this first journal entry to be a spark that will ignite more therapeutic and mental health discussions on my blog and in society. Write in the comments below if you want this to be an outlet.
National Suicide Prevention Line: 1-800-273-8255.